Hi everyone welcome to my mom blog. I am totally a beginner at this and just want to get my story out to either help or inspire others whatever may come of it while letting others into my daily life with my beautiful baby girl Baily.
Be patient with me as I have no clue what I am doing and also am a first time mom trying to find balance in what my new normal is.
Now to your feature presentation.......
A little over five years ago when I was twenty-one years old I was told by my OB it would be hard for me to ever get pregnant if not impossible and although at the time I had no intentions of becoming a mom at that time yet I however always wanted to be mom. When I was younger I always said my dream job was to be a mommy and in that one appointment there was nothing more I wanted for my future but to one day be a mommy and I was told I couldn't. Last year on July 25, 2017 to my surprise I had missed a period and let me just say I have the most punctual Aunty Flow so after a week of being late I thought what the heck I'm going to take a pregnancy test. I went to Target on my way home from work and yes took the test there. Positive. "There's no way." I took the long way home thinking how am I going to tell my significant other.
When I got home he could all over my face something was up. I am the worst at two things, lying and controlling my emontions on my face. I didn't know how to tell him so I just set the positive on the bed. He was shocked and didn't want to get excited yet and asked if that was the only test I took. I had two more in the bag so I thought maybe you're right so I took another one. Positive.
The next day I went to the pregnancy resource center up the road and they confirmed it. Pregnant! I was so scared yet happy at the same time as I thought this would never be possible. They sent me home with a cute little green knitted beanie for future baby. I took the beanie home and showed him it was an emotional happy moment for both of us. In the next few weeks we discussed telling our families, baby names, and what gender we thought our baby would be.
Disclaimer trigger warning ahead.
On August 5, 2017 at six weeks pregnant I went to work as normal still yet to tell anyone I was pregnant. A coworker approached me as I was heading to the restroom and told me "Wow your skin looks so good what are you doing different" and like I said early I cannot hide my emotions on my face or lie so I said "well I'm pregnant so there's that". She congratulated me and then let me know she was trying to conceive and recently had a miscarriage. Right after this conversation I went into the bathroom to find blood. I was so confused cause I felt completely normal. I tried to go back to work but I could not focus, I went back to the restroom every 5 minutes to more blood. I left work to go home and lay down where I just kept getting stronger back pains and cramps. I text my significant other telling him something was not right. He read somewhere that girls are a rougher pregnancy and he told me "don't worry babe it's just the girl giving you a hard time." I prayed he was right. Although this pregnancy wasn't planned, we were planning to have a baby. Everything got worse and I went to the hospital telling him to meet me there.
We waited what felt like forever to get seen and even longer to get answers. I finally got taken back for an ultrasound and had to go alone. It was the longest and quietest 5 minutes of my life. I saw all over the technitians face what I already knew. She told me the doctor would give me my results and that she couldn't tell me but she could answer questions I asked. So I simply said "there is no heartbeat is there" and she just shook her head yes and told me she was sorry. I got back to the room to have to tell my boyfriend, there is no baby. From that point on I was treated like I was there for a common cold, given pain meds and instructions on what to do for the next few days. I think that made it even harder. One nurse said "the good news is you can get pregnant". At first I thought what an insensitive thing to say but she was right, I defied what a previous doctor had told me and I got pregnant. However the loss of my baby made me think even more that the first OB was right and babies just weren't in the cards for me.
Having a miscarriage is one of the loniest expirences, when you miscarry it usually happens within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy before you tell anyone you are pregnant. No one is emotionally invested in your pregnancy at this point so they aren't emotionally invested in your loss either. Society tells you not to talk about it and it will make others uncomfortable and that is not fair for the grieving mother. I took to Facebook and had so many friends reach out to me who had been through the same thing and offered me so much support and advice that I would never have known if I didn't put it out there. I think it is so important to talk about your loss and tragedy to grieve and get support instead of suffering in silence.
Exactly one month later on September 5th I felt a little funny that day almost as I did the first time around and something told me just to take a pregnancy test...
To be continued.
No comments:
Post a Comment